In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
