the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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