please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
