I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
