drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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