she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
