It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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