i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
