This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
