Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize