All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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