Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
