so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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