Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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