I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
COCAINE IS GR8
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
