you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize