my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
