then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
