I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
