In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
