My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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