Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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