I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have demons in me.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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