I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
he was CRYING into my vagina
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
