Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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