He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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