Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
