So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
