Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We are two peas in an std pod
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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