we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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