I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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