she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
