I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
