Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
