his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
