Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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