Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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