Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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