Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
