i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
