So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
