We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize