just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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