i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
