I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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