Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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