Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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