When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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