Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
