dude i'm inner monologue high
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize