Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The best revenge is premature balding
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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