just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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