I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
