Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
