I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
