if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
