I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
