I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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