walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
